Did you know that you are an author? A storyteller? You are weaving together a narrative about your life and your experiences in every moment. Perhaps you haven’t seen yourself in that way but it’s true for each one of us. We have our actual experiences in any moment or in a day and we layer meaning on top of it…creating a story. Let me give you an example that you most likely will relate to, because most of us have done something at least somewhat similar to this.
You arrive at the office and run into a co-worker in the kitchen getting coffee. On this particular morning their greeting is a bit gruff or distant. As they leave with their coffee you start running through the week and your interactions with them. What could you have done that irritated them or caused them to be upset with you. Oh, yes, you said “that thing” in the meeting yesterday ago and they clearly took it the wrong way. Now you do one of two things: 1) get fired up about how unjust it is that they are upset with you or 2) start thinking of how to apologize and make “it” right. You have a busy day and won’t be able to connect with this person until tomorrow and this eats away at you for most of the day. You stew on it, letting it impact your attitude and your energy. You might even tell the story over dinner that night.
What happens next?
Best case scenario: You’re someone who likes to address things head on and as quickly as possible. You make sure to connect with this colleague the next morning to sort this out, bringing up the meeting from a few days ago and reiterating the point you were trying to make. They’re confused. They agreed with your perspective and aren’t sure why you’re mentioning it now. You reference the interaction in the kitchen and how they appeared to be upset with you. They’re surprised and share that they were distracted by something personal that morning. Absolutely nothing to do with you or that meeting.
Worst case scenario: You’re angry and avoid conflict. Never bringing it up and beginning to see other ways that the two of you don’t see eye to eye. The relationship frays and over time a distance develops. Trust between you is tenuous and your ability to work together to deliver positive outcomes becomes limited.
Of course there are alternative ways this could play out but I”m choosing these extremes to illustrate a point. The stories we create have consequences for our time, our energy and our relationships.
I recently spent over a month upset with myself. Mentally beating myself up for not collecting insurance info from another driver after a minor fender bender. My car was making a strange noise when I braked and the story I created was that something had happened during the accident that wasn’t immediately obvious, and now the repairs would be at my expense. Why hadn’t I taken the driver’s info? Why was I so quick to dismiss him with a “it’s no big thing”? I kept avoiding the repair shop because I was afraid the news from them would confirm what an incompetent person I was. Someone who doesn’t follow the right steps after an accident. Someone who should know better. Well, guess what? When I finally took the car in for an assessment it turned out I needed new brakes. At any other point in my life, I might have immediately recognized the sound my care was making, but I was so locked in my story and self-doubt that I wasn’t thinking rationally. I wasted days focusing on something that simply wasn’t true.
So here’s what I’m working on and I invite you to try it, too. Try “writing” a bit more non-fiction. When those incidents like the story of co-worker happen, ask yourself what the facts are. What actually happened? In this case, the answer would be, “I ran into a colleague in the kitchen and they replied in a distant way.” That’s it. End of story. At this point there is no other information that can be confirmed. It’s a pretty brief narrative. Whether or not you want to learn more or simply let it go is up to you. Your decisions can be made based on the facts you have and not the story you’ve created.
“The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness.”
